I have suffered, as everyone, and every time I swear myself "this is the last". Let me tell you a secret: deep inside, I know it's not. 

I met this guy one time, I like to call him "whisper" because he was just like that, a little secret told with bated breath. I felt him like a breeze, transient and intense. The one you think is just a caress that grabs directly your bones, breaking through your heart. And just like that he left, leaving me wanting to know more about that secret. 

Then I felt the angry, the pain and the burden. Also I felt surrounded, crushed by the light. Knowledge, they call it, when I didn't ask. "You are sick of ignorance" they said to me, I couldn't see even when it was in front of me. 

After all I kept walking on those crowded streets, naked to the feelings, wanting to believe. I felt the cut of the frozen air, actually I couldn't dress up without help. Not just my body, my heart and my mind, my whole self was shaking waiting for a raise, wanting to be covered even by a giant hand. 

I met other one, this time his name is "scratch" because he was just like one of them, like a huge scorch in my skin. I felt him warm, whimsical, uninterrupted. I tried to stop it while it was dismembering me. But all I could do, all I can do, is still being waiting here for the next time, because it hasn't been the last.

Brave young girl

When I was young my mother needed to hire a girl to look after me because she had to work on weekends. The first girl she hired was Amara, or Tamara, I don't remember exactly. This girl was so kind and funny, at least when my mum was around, but everything was different when she wasn't at home.

When I was three years old and I lived in the house I call "the small house" she was our neighbour and she was 16 years old. When she begin she was perfect, but the time past and she started to be weird. I didn't know what was happening because I had fun (don't misunderstand me, she didn't try to have sex with a three year old girl, she wasn't that bad) and I never told anything to my mum.

She used to invite her friends to our house when my mum went to work, always five or six people, but one day she decided to go out at night. We went to a park, and it was nice because they taught me how to swing, but then they told me this story. 

The story was about monsters who use power cables from the towers to go into the houses and possess people. The monsters had long sharpened nails which they used to kill people. They told me to ask my parents every morning if they were my parents, and if they said "no" with a weird voice, I had to run for my life into another house, and expect not to find more monsters there. 

Then they asked me what I was feeling, I was shaking, and I told them "I'm feeling like someone is caressing me with a stick" and they explain me it wasn't a stick, it was a nail. When we arrived home, I lay on my sofa and she asked me to sleep, but I didn't want because it was too soon. Then, she seemed to be petrified looking behind the sofa, and she said she was seeing the monsters and asked me PLEASE to fall asleep because otherwise the monsters would kidnap me. I thought it was a joke, but then I started to hear voices, whispering my name, and I covered myself with a blanket and tried not to think about the monsters even when I was feeling like they were touching my arms and my legs. Then, I did fall asleep. 

I didn't told to my mum I had gone out with Tamara/Amara because they had taught me how to swing and I wanted to surprise her someday when we went to a park, but this was the reason why I started to feel fear of the dark. 

When I was five we moved in another house I call "the broken flat" and she came to look after me even when she wasn't our neighbour anymore. She didn't invite her friends, but we always played with a video-game which consisted in shooting dishes and things like that. One day she told me to wait because she was going to use the phone box under my house, so I sat on my sofa and wait for her. I fell asleep, and when I woke up she wasn't there and the whole place was so dark. I  tried not to look to the corridor because it was full of strange shadows, took a chair and put it under the window so I could look outside and see if she was in the phone box, but she didn't. I was scared, so I sat on my sofa again, covered my body with a blanket like if it could protect me from the darkness and wait for her. I slept again, and then woke up, and she still wasn't there, so I started to cry because I couldn't stop watching the dark corridor and I constantly felt shivers thinking about the monsters that could had kidnapped her. 

A few minutes later a friend of my mother (Angélica) came into the flat and asked me where was the girl, then Amara/Tamara entered and Angélica shouted her for leaving alone a five year old girl all night. They waited to my mum, who fired her and then hugged me almost crying. She told my I had been so brave and she asked me to forgive her, but I was okay and I didn't understand at all why was everyone so angry. It was scared and Amara/Tamara had been bad with me but, at least, she had taught me how to swing.