I have suffered, as everyone, and every time I swear myself "this is the last". Let me tell you a secret: deep inside, I know it's not. 

I met this guy one time, I like to call him "whisper" because he was just like that, a little secret told with bated breath. I felt him like a breeze, transient and intense. The one you think is just a caress that grabs directly your bones, breaking through your heart. And just like that he left, leaving me wanting to know more about that secret. 

Then I felt the angry, the pain and the burden. Also I felt surrounded, crushed by the light. Knowledge, they call it, when I didn't ask. "You are sick of ignorance" they said to me, I couldn't see even when it was in front of me. 

After all I kept walking on those crowded streets, naked to the feelings, wanting to believe. I felt the cut of the frozen air, actually I couldn't dress up without help. Not just my body, my heart and my mind, my whole self was shaking waiting for a raise, wanting to be covered even by a giant hand. 

I met other one, this time his name is "scratch" because he was just like one of them, like a huge scorch in my skin. I felt him warm, whimsical, uninterrupted. I tried to stop it while it was dismembering me. But all I could do, all I can do, is still being waiting here for the next time, because it hasn't been the last.

Brave young girl

When I was young my mother needed to hire a girl to look after me because she had to work on weekends. The first girl she hired was Amara, or Tamara, I don't remember exactly. This girl was so kind and funny, at least when my mum was around, but everything was different when she wasn't at home.

When I was three years old and I lived in the house I call "the small house" she was our neighbour and she was 16 years old. When she begin she was perfect, but the time past and she started to be weird. I didn't know what was happening because I had fun (don't misunderstand me, she didn't try to have sex with a three year old girl, she wasn't that bad) and I never told anything to my mum.

She used to invite her friends to our house when my mum went to work, always five or six people, but one day she decided to go out at night. We went to a park, and it was nice because they taught me how to swing, but then they told me this story. 

The story was about monsters who use power cables from the towers to go into the houses and possess people. The monsters had long sharpened nails which they used to kill people. They told me to ask my parents every morning if they were my parents, and if they said "no" with a weird voice, I had to run for my life into another house, and expect not to find more monsters there. 

Then they asked me what I was feeling, I was shaking, and I told them "I'm feeling like someone is caressing me with a stick" and they explain me it wasn't a stick, it was a nail. When we arrived home, I lay on my sofa and she asked me to sleep, but I didn't want because it was too soon. Then, she seemed to be petrified looking behind the sofa, and she said she was seeing the monsters and asked me PLEASE to fall asleep because otherwise the monsters would kidnap me. I thought it was a joke, but then I started to hear voices, whispering my name, and I covered myself with a blanket and tried not to think about the monsters even when I was feeling like they were touching my arms and my legs. Then, I did fall asleep. 

I didn't told to my mum I had gone out with Tamara/Amara because they had taught me how to swing and I wanted to surprise her someday when we went to a park, but this was the reason why I started to feel fear of the dark. 

When I was five we moved in another house I call "the broken flat" and she came to look after me even when she wasn't our neighbour anymore. She didn't invite her friends, but we always played with a video-game which consisted in shooting dishes and things like that. One day she told me to wait because she was going to use the phone box under my house, so I sat on my sofa and wait for her. I fell asleep, and when I woke up she wasn't there and the whole place was so dark. I  tried not to look to the corridor because it was full of strange shadows, took a chair and put it under the window so I could look outside and see if she was in the phone box, but she didn't. I was scared, so I sat on my sofa again, covered my body with a blanket like if it could protect me from the darkness and wait for her. I slept again, and then woke up, and she still wasn't there, so I started to cry because I couldn't stop watching the dark corridor and I constantly felt shivers thinking about the monsters that could had kidnapped her. 

A few minutes later a friend of my mother (Angélica) came into the flat and asked me where was the girl, then Amara/Tamara entered and Angélica shouted her for leaving alone a five year old girl all night. They waited to my mum, who fired her and then hugged me almost crying. She told my I had been so brave and she asked me to forgive her, but I was okay and I didn't understand at all why was everyone so angry. It was scared and Amara/Tamara had been bad with me but, at least, she had taught me how to swing. 

Walker

You were the one who gave me my first emotional blow

I seemed to be okay, but I was not

You said it was the world

Cant say if you were wrong

I'm sure you know by now

What is it like to go around

Then you were the one who told me not to be afraid

Cause one day we'll get along in heaven:

Just find me.

And now it's my time to show you that I can live

With a little bit of hope

The hope that will put us together home

I'm writing you to say you did everything right

Cause you are now the walker of the night

You were the one who left me with a letter

A letter I can't find

Can anyone tell me which his last written was?

I still remember the conversation we had about

If we should or not to say goodbye

Now I can't say it without feeling the sarrow

That led you to madness

Leaving me heartless.

And now it's my time to show you that I can live

with a little bit of hope

The hope that will put us together home

I'm writing you to say you did everything right

Cause you are now the walker of the night

Throwing my own notes I'll just take your steps

To arrive there soon

I wanna be with you

I watch your picture on my shelf

and wonder if you're even there

or instead I'm always talking to nothing.

Negative

I’m not posting in my blog, and someday I’ll have to put everything I’ve written on paper in the computer and post it, and to be honest I’m scared that when that day comes I won’t be able to find where this papers are.  I always think I do not have enough time to turn on the computer, so I’m not even downloading the notes from my teachers.

I’ve got the feeling that I’m doing things all day and that I never stop doing something, but when I think about how many productive things I’ve done, I got nothing. A teacher from the last year told me that this happens to me because I am so negative with myself that when I have to do something I start it, I think “I won’t do it well” and then leave it unfinished. She said that I don’t realize how much potential I have and that I could be brilliant if I wanted to. But then again, I’ve a mind block that keeps me away from the positive things.

To sum up, I hope someday I find this and post it… And CACTUS, REMEMBER, THE SONG IS “UNDERTOW” (include this last sentence, why not, this is a free post).

Guernica

This picture represents the pain produce by a war. I studied this one the last year and I had to make a formal commentary about it, but this time I prefer to say what I feel when I see it.

It is overwhelming. When I look at the picture I don’t know where I should be looking.  It transmits me a strong sorrow when I see the mother holding her baby’s body, the angry look of the horses; and I can even imagine myself in that room, breathing the smoke, staining my barefoot with the ash on the floor.

The colors used in its elaboration let me see in detail how strong could be the feelings of the painter when he made it, and how sad he was about this topic. It is also reflected in the way he mix the image of the characters what, talking in a non-professional way, express how confusing should be for the living beings  what was happening there. 

Boring People

There are people who ask me why do I wear black clothes instead of a colorful outfit, other people ask me why do I like zombie films because it is weird. “Why don’t you go out with friends instead of watching series?” “Why don’t you ever put on a dress?” “Okay, you did buy a dress, does it really have to be black? AGAIN? ” “Are you emo or something? You’re always so serious” (it seems that I’m a “Sirius” person *badum tss*).

Well, maybe some of you are reading me and you are thinking that there are enough people complaining about this type of people, the ones that don’t seem to be able to enjoy an action film and are always thinking about beautiful things and denying themselves the pleasure of, for example, dressing like they want because they’re too concentrated in being who other people want them to be.

AND NOW THAT I’VE GROUSE ENOUGH TODAY (THIS WEEK IS BEING ENDLESS) I’m going to link this post with a random song that has nothing to do with this, but I like it and WHY NOT.

Rock and Classical Music

There are a lot of differences between this two music genders.  It is difficult to structure my ideas, but I’ll try to explain my personal viewpoint. Bear in mind that we are talking about music, both rock and classic are a way to express our feelings and to share them with the world, so we have to know that every song is a little piece of the composer’s heart. Every note is where it is for a reason (it is called harmony) and every accord is correctly connected with the following one in order to show us an idea, an image or a feeling.

Personally, I prefer rock music. Rock artists try to communicate with the public in a different way than the classical musicians. For example, in a rock concert you stand up in the crowd and you dance, shout, sing, clap your hands, ask for more songs… However, in a classical concert you can barely applaud.  Also, the artist’s behave is different, even what they have to wear. You’re not going to see a guitarist wearing a suit, an orchestra director wearing a red t-shirt, a singer  asking for silence or a cellist cheering up the public.

I like both rock and classical music, but in my opinion classical music is proposed in a little nearby way while rock music is felt closer and it would be different if classical music were submitted in an informal way. 

Angels

I don’t want to be like those girls obsessed with the idea of death, drown in sickness and always depressed because they think their lives are awful. I don’t want to be a walker black soul, always living in the shadows and unable to feel, even when it’s the easy way. Sometimes I we are all just like an angel with broken wings, full of light but unknowing what we are capable to do.

I miss the misery

There are so many ways of missing someone, and it is different for each person. For example, it is not the same missing a relative and missing a friend. Of course, it’s neither the same to miss a couple.  Sometimes we don’t actually miss the person, we miss the situation or the comfort someone make us feel. 

When you think about people from your past, it is normal to feel nostalgia, and we should not be embarrassed because of that. However, when it is about relationships it’s a weird feeling, like a hole in our stomachs or a sharp knife in our throats.

Important people

Let's talk about friendships. It is something that we all need, at least one friend, because as a videoclip I like says, "one friend can save a life".

To have a friend is sometimes like having a boyfriend or a girlfriend; but sadly most of people forget to endeavour or they just avoid it. When you've got a girl/boyfriend, you always try hard to make that person happy. Why don't we do the same with friends?

Furthermore, I don't know why when someone is lonely people tend to think tat it is for some reason and they isolate this person instead of trying to help so he or her can be happy There are a lot of cases of people who kill themselves because they feel lonely, but no one seems to care about them until they're dead. Maybe this sounds hard, but admit it, because it's true. 

Why is it important to have a friend? Why can it change someone's life? A friend (a true one) is always there. When you have a family problem, when you have a heartbreak, when you're stressed  because of the studies, when you need to talk to someone, when you want to be lied on the floor in silence but in company, and even if you want to travel to New York to eat a hot dog at a park or you have to dig a hole to bury a body, a true friend will be there with you to do all that.

But remember, this unconditional trust and support should be reciprocal, because as I've said, "one friend can save a life". 

Man on the edge

He felt the ledge under his feet, and all we wanted was jump into the void. He could heard people yelling him to do it and other people shouting him the opposite. What should he do? Nobody knew what it was like to be him, to live like he had been living, like he didn't belong to that world. He could feel the pressure of his problems in a side of his head, like if he had a little monster inside his mind trying to escape.

When he moved one step to the left, a foot slipped and he had to grab the knob of the window’s door. In that moment, just for a second, he felt a wind chill and the adrenalin raised the hair of his whole body. He looked down, to the floor, and he could see his own body lying there, deed-less.

Suddenly, his vision blurred. He saw everyone with evil appearance. He kept watching people while they were hitting hard the ground, scratching their skin, like they were trying to go away from the demons that ran through their veins.

He took a second to think about the situation he was in. His life was a mess, his wife left him, he got fired and, eventually, he was alone. Surprisingly, he realized that he didn't want to die; all he wanted was a change in his life to encourage him to live. He decided to look again down to the crowd that was shouting him and he pressed his back against the wall behind him.

Smiling, he was ready to turn around when the building disappeared and he was, by surprise, falling to the floor. He could feel his body cutting the air while he was going down and a shriek came out from his throat and shook his body. That was finally going to be the end of the man, despite the decision he made about not jumping off the building. He opened his eyes and decided to face the death with bravery, but all he saw was the floor being broken by a giant hand coming from the underground.  The hand was green, and the skin covering it seemed to be like snake skin.

He kept falling until he slightly touched the floor again, with his eyes closed. When he tried to rise from the ground, he felt a whole explosion in his mind and he remembered who he really was: the heir of one of the most important kingdoms of the world. He had been beaten by a foe and lied unconscious. His mind automatically created a way to keep his soul entertained in a side of his brain so the rest could work to heal itself, what meant that the man who was about to jump into the void never existed.

He knelt, hold his head with his hands and opened the eyes. He was in a room with a big bed and six small windows, anything else was decorating the walls. When someone hit him, he was dealing with the oldest witch known by the world. She tried to convince him to give her half of his kingdom by using a spell, but it didn't work because what she didn't know was that the man was half a wizard due to his father, so he knew how to expel her from his mind.

The prince feared the worst, so he stood up and looked out of the window. He could see fire, people aiming his neighbours with guns and, leading, the witch he talked with days ago. It was the worst war he had ever seen, and he was the only one with enough power to stop it. He turned around and thought “I was going to face my death. I still have to”. Then, he grabbed the knob and opened the door, walking to the streets, ready to fulfil his fate. 

Thoughts

I have a lot to say, because I've been thinking al day about how the world is nowadays. I thought about people who control us. I thought about the war our ancestors provoked and the reasons they had to do it.

I know I'm supposed to write my opinion, short stories and other creative things, but this video express my thoughts better than I could. 

Fairy Tale

Sometimes I feel like my mind is far away from here. I like to think that I'm in other world, where everything that I have imagined is real. Are you able to think in a place like that?

In my world, I cannot be hurt by anything, and I can achieve all my goals because I always know what to do. But it's not just that. My world is giant, beautiful and magic, and it is easy to be lost in there. That's why sometimes I'm scared of what our minds can do to ourselves. 

Maybe this sounds good, even funny, but it's not. When you have your won world in your mind, the perfect one, it is worse to be dragged into the real world. Furthermore, it can make you be sad, because you see that everything you dream is not real.

The real problem is that this can encourage you to be better, to work in order to build the world you really want, the one you dream about; but it can also get you down. 

The reason

People say that I'm always so negative with myself, and that it is depressing. What people doesn't know is that if I say the things I say about me is because they're true, not because I want. 

I'm not who I used to be, I've changed so much. I was in a bubble, in my own world, and I didn't realise how much it hurts to the people I love. I didn't until one person came into my life and explode my bubble blowing up my world and I saw how selfish I was. 

Because of this person I decided to be better, so I think I owe an apology and I have to say "thank you" at the same time. I do not talk to him/her like I used to do and he/she won't never read this words (or maybe yes, who knows), but I guess I feel better writing it somewhere. 

Lies

I hate when people make promises they know they wont fulfill. It's easy to say what someone wants to hear but it's unfair, because sometimes people really trust that words. 

One day I said I would't lie to someone I care about, and I haven't done it; so why do I receive lies when I'm honest?

Description

When I was young I didn't think so much abut how is my mum, but now that I've grown up I know how strong she is. When I was five, she needed to make a lot of choices and our lifes changed, but she just faced the problems. he's a happy person and she's always ready to do what she has to do. I used to see her as a serious person because she's my mum, but now I know how she really is, and I'm proud of her.

Peer response

Dear Jennifer, I know we haven't much time to write the paragraph, but from what I could read I was able to see the colossal love and  gratitude  you have for your mother.

It is great to see that young people rely on their mothers, if I'm honest I can't say that much about me but, reading what you said about your mum it gives a bit of nostalgy and a bit of heat in my heart, and I hope it makes you feel the same. 

I can't really tell what's wrong or what's right. Structure is good words are perfectly chosen you wrote from the heart so you did your best in such a short time. 

So, I hope next time I make a peer response for you we all have more time to write so I can see all your heart can describe through your hands. 

Break free

There was a girl named Zoey. She was beautiful, smart and funny. There was a boy named Erik, who thoughts that she was the most perfect girl he had ever met.

They started a relationship, the perfect one. They went to the cinema, had fun with friends, saw movies at home... The time past and she started to get bored, but he was falling in love more and more every day they were together.

In a couple of months, he was totally obsess with his girlfriend. Zoey realised it, and instead of telling him that she didn't feel the same, she started to use him. Why? Because he would have done whatever she wanted just to make her happy, and she knew it. 

I know there are some of us that have been in Erik's position and eventually all we want to do is break the jail we're in when we are in love and to be free to do whatever we want. So, this song is for us. 

Childhood

Sometimes I think about when I was young, and I couldn’t wait to grow up. I talked with my cousin about how much we wished to be sixteen, because we thought we were going to be beautiful and have the freedom to eat candies whenever we want.

When we are young everything we want is to be as tall as our parents or smart like our teachers. In my case, I wanted to be older because I wanted to hear the sound of the computer keyboard keys fast when I used it.

But then, my wish came true. I was sixteen, and I thought about myself when I was six, and how much I wanted that moment to come. It was so different of how I thought it was going to be, I didn’t feel pretty and I didn’t like candies anymore. In that moment I started to feel bad about the time, because it past and I couldn’t stop it, and I was going to have eighteen someday and I would need to make important decisions about my future.

I wanted to go to the university because everything in my life was a mess, and I needed new people and a new place where no one knew me. Then, surprisingly, things got better, and I was happy, and I didn’t want to go to the university because I didn’t want any change. 

I'm not sure where do I want to go by saying all this things. I guess I just saw my little sister and thought about myself when I was  four, and I feel bad about a lot of things that I've done since then, but I also feel good because my mistakes helped me to be how I am today¹. We are never comfortable with what we have, forgetting that we should enjoy the moment. 

Fear

Fear of making the wrong choices.

Fear of finding dead someone I love.

Fear of madness.

Fear of whole darkness.

Fear of losing my friends.

Fear of not being alive to see my sister growing up.

Fear of drown.

Fear of being someone breakheart.

Fear of sadness.

Fear of feeling too much.

Fear of betrayal.

Fear of snakes.

Fear of the demons inside my mind.

Fear of being useless.

Fear of falling in love again.

Fear of the day when I’ll have to leave.

Fear of not being able to get over the disappointments.

Fear of not having a reason to live.

Fear this day will end and I won’t have had the time to do what I’m supposed to do.

Fear of waking up to find I have grown up.

Fear of not loving and fear of being loved.

Fear of end as my father did.

Fear of making the wrong choices.

I’ve said that.

Freewriting

  In my opinion, the freewriting is the best way to write. I don’t like it when someone tells me about what or how I have to write. When you have the freedom to do whatever you want on an essay, it is always funnier and you don’t feel the same pressure as when you have to do it in one way, following the instructions that someone has told you. Also, I like to read freewritings because it shows a part of the personality from the writer, and it is always interesting. Those are the reasons why I prefer to write that way